Bottles, Burp Cloths, and Becoming Mom: My Journey into Motherhood Without Family Nearby
In honor of mother’s day I am dropping an extra post! Picture this: new mom, stationed far from home, figuring it out with a weird village built up of besties and long-distance phone calls. While the journey to motherhood was hard, nothing would have prepared me for actually being a mom. When that test turned positive, I definitely panicked. I knew we could do this but how am I supposed to be this amazing mom - the best mom already exists and duh it my mom.
Now here I am in Montana without my mom thinking about how the heck am I going to do this all and make it work. There were times when I had valid meltdowns and other times when maybe it was not (ask my husband about a pop tart incident and some cravings). So how exactly did I live up to be hopefully as amazing of a mom as mine, well truly I do not know little man is only 3 and still has meltdowns over little things and only lives off of chicken nuggets and fruit it feels like. My time in Montana was extremely difficult because there were a lot of mixed feelings of baby blues, maybe a little bit of postpartum depression and a whole lot of seasonal depression (something I only realized once I moved home to Florida).
Overall, my keys advice in this season of early motherhood and continuing into toddlerhood is:
Be patient: with kiddo and yourself. It is okay to be frustrated but make sure to celebrate the little wins like putting on real clothes or even just taking a shower. No one knows that the small wins deserve to be celebrated like another mother so make sure you do it. Not only did you maybe just have a kiddo but this potentially is your first time doing this. Plus keep in mind it is also your kiddos first time being here too. No matter how many parenting books or what to expect books you read it does not matter. No one is living the life you are and no one is walking your walk. We are all so different so please be patient and take time with yourself to make sure you can take you yogi breaths (I still take them and now so does little man). You have to be kind to yourself because kids are mean and rough and exhausting.
NAP!!: The old tale of sleep when the baby sleeps is crap - there are so many things to do but guess what, it will all be there when the baby wakes up. Something that I attempted to apply in the early months was taking a nap when a little man napped. My husband's military job took him away from us a lot so I was handling midnight feedings by myself. I have become the queen at a 10 minute nap. Something interesting that was put out for those in my husband's career field was to drink caffeine and then go nap. Crazy right? Apparently not and its something I now live by. By the time I wake up I feel ready to go and wide awake. If you can’t nap make sure to do something for you in the time frame that your kiddo is down for. Even if you are in a contact nap phase, find a book or a crappy tv show and take care of you.
Ask for help: Whether your family is near or far, ask for help. There are always people around who want to help. As a military spouse too there is the ability to reach out to that community. Something I had already developed was some amazing friends who showed up whenever I called. This ranged from silly things like I need to go grocery shopping but can you come too, to the more serious things like I am having a really blue day and can’t seem to get my head out of this can you come over and talk to me. All the small things start to add up, the military can complicate some of these things when the move your besties away, but I do know I could still call any of these women at any point and they would be there.
Create your own triage kit: When things started getting really hard (it was still snowing in April) I created a triage kit. The self-checking in started with the basics: (1) Have I eaten (2) Have I had water today (3) Have I had a shower (4) yes to all the above - call my mom. No matter what I call my mom, she knows what I need. She freaking made me. Key takeaway: have yourself checkin and if you can't figure it out - outsource. Find the person or people you can call when it's hitting the fan make sure to have those people you can call to help you get resentered.
Ultimately I may have failed? My husband and I had the luxury that his contract with the Air Force was up and we were about to move. God smiled upon me there was a great Program management position I could take to reconnect with the final goals I had for my career. This led to me applying and then plot twists moving across the country in two weeks to start a new job. Even bigger scary moments, outside of a job I had no plan. There was no daycare lined up, no house to go to, just a job and a whole lot of family. So what do you do as a 25 year-old planning to move home with clothes and the baby needing items - you call your moms best friend to fly up and drive home with you. Did I mention while this was going on my mom was back in Kuwait working a job? So me, a little man and my dad shared a house while I figured it out and the hubby made his journey home. After 6 months we finally got settled in a house and all got back together at the beginning of 2023.
So, hey Mom’s DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF. I literally hauled it across the country due to a potential mental breakdown - but don't worry I did figure out it was seasonal depression. When you think you're breaking down, you maybe, but when you figure out how to fix it or identify it you can ask for help. This mother’s day I hope you hug a strong woman in your life no matter what title they may wear for you. Your village may be close or far but they will show up when it matters. Ultimately make sure you make your triage kit and have your people. Theres nothing in life you can’t talk through (especially over a snack), while this is your own journey there is always someone who may have walked a similar path.
Happy Mother’s day! And thanks mom for always picking up the phone even when you may not want to (probably because I have called you 6 times already).
Bribing toddler and briefing bosses - same skillset different snacks.
Dr. Strange